I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
