Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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