i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
