she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
