2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
