wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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