So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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