All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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