Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
