i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
