He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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