Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
