I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
