Cold hands, warm shart.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
