So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
