I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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