I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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