i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
