I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize