My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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