I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
