dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
