Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize