honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
