hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
