my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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