What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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