Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Say something about gay babies.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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