He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
