So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
