I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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