i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
