You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
