someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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