I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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