NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
