I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
