Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
