Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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