bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
