So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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