respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize