im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
