Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
