she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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