why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
