If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
