I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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