haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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