I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
