Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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