Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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