hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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