I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
