when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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