Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
