all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
