im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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