and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I am midnight drunk by noon
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
