with your own penis?
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
