Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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