I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
