i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
